“A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
“Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
“Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them”
“Don’t be afraid to be yourself! People, who care, don’t matter. And people, who matter, don’t care!”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone”
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried”
“Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory”
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
“Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff.”
”Everyone needs a dog to adore him, and a cat to bring him back to reality”
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
“Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.”
